The Myth of the “Strong Woman” Is Exhausting Mothers

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There’s a way people say “she’s strong” and it sounds like praise.

But if you listen closely, it’s also an expectation.

Especially for mothers.

You’re tired, but you keep going. You’re overwhelmed, but you manage. Things are not okay, but you hold it together. Then someone says, “you’re so strong,” and the conversation ends there.

No one asks what it’s costing you.

Because kusema ukweli, that strength is not free.

It shows up in small ways first. You stop resting properly. You carry things in your head instead of saying them out loud. You push through days you should have paused. You tell yourself, “wacha tu, I’ll handle it.”

And you do.

That’s the problem.

Because the more you handle, the more people assume you’re fine.

Motherhood abroad adds another layer to this.

There’s no backup system. No one to casually step in. No “acha mtoto hapa kidogo.” Everything is planned, scheduled, paid for. If you don’t do it, it doesn’t get done.

So you stretch yourself.

Work, home, children, emotions, finances… all sitting on one person.

And when you finally feel like you’re drowning kidogo, you don’t even know how to say it. Because you’ve already built the image of someone who can handle everything.

So you keep quiet.

Even in relationships, it shows.

You take on more. You adjust more. You absorb more. Not because you want to, but because you’re used to being the stable one.

If something breaks, you fix it.

If something is missing, you fill it.

If someone is struggling, you support them.

But who is supporting you?

That question rarely gets answered.

Then there’s guilt.

The moment you try to slow down, you feel it. Like you’re dropping something. Like you’re not doing enough. Like you’re failing somewhere.

So rest becomes uncomfortable.

Even when you have time, your mind is still working. Planning, thinking, worrying.

That’s not strength.

That’s survival mode.

And survival mode was never meant to be permanent.

The problem is, we’ve normalised it.

We celebrate women who “do it all” without asking how they’re doing it. We admire the ones who never complain, never break, never ask for help.

But those are the ones carrying the heaviest load.

Quietly.

And over time, something gives.

Sometimes it’s your energy. Sometimes your health. Sometimes your patience. Sometimes your joy.

You’re still functioning, but you’re not okay.

And people don’t notice because from the outside, everything still looks held together.

Maybe what needs to change is not women becoming stronger.

Most are already past that point.

Maybe it’s creating space where women don’t have to be strong all the time.

Where asking for help is normal. Where saying “I’m tired” doesn’t feel like failure. Where responsibilities are shared properly, not assumed.

Because strength should be something you use when needed.

Not something you’re forced to live in every single day.

And if being called “strong” means no one checks on you, no one supports you, no one steps in…

Then that strength is not helping you.

It’s just hiding how much you’re carrying.